I feel compelled to share this so that others may find some hope in my story. As of today I’ve been clean and sober for 3 years. I can in no way take credit for this because I did nothing to bring it about. God literally took the urge away from me. To set the stage, I had been drinking since I was 15 years old and drinking heavily since I was 18. I had managed to stay sober and off drugs for a few months here and there but no matter my intentions I always found an excuse to once again pick up a drink or a drug. Between the age of 37 and 45 I had pretty much accepted the fact that I was an alcoholic and a drug addict and quit trying to quit using. I had been arrested 3 or 4 times for various drinking offenses and I had 2 DUIs. Three years ago yesterday I got my third DUI.
I sat in jail and felt pretty certain that my life was over. My intention at that point was to get out of jail, go home and kill myself. I finally got bailed out at around 5:00 p.m. on the April 23rd. I went home and started to plot my death. I don’t like pain so cutting my wrists or shooting myself was out of the question. I figured that I would put a Led Zeppelin CD in the stereo in my car, start it up in the garage and wait for the inevitable to take place. Basically being a coward I started putting it off. As I lay in my bed enjoying my misery and self-pity the Lord broke in to my thoughts for a personal service announcement. He simply said hang on and things will get better. The emotion I felt could not be denied. It seemed that the voice understood and sympathized. At any rate, I didn’t do anything that night. After several days I noticed that I hadn’t thought about or wanted a drink.
I have never wanted to drink or do a drug ever again. I quit smoking a few months later and I haven’t looked back (well… not very often). God took it all away from me. I had quit drinking before and I had always gone through withdrawal. This time no withdrawal, no DTs, no shakes and most importantly no desire. I don’t know why He did this for me when He has let others die. It wasn’t because I deserved it. I was not a Christian and never bought into the whole Jesus died from my sins thing. I had never really done anything for anyone other than myself and really didn’t care what happened to others. I had never lived a life that in any way honored or respected God. Apparently it didn’t matter. He called me to Himself and healed me.
I was thinking about this the last few days and I realized how little I deserved this blessing. I am indebted to him in ways that I can never repay. Not even if I lived for an eternity could I ever balance the scales. I look at the debt that I have and it terrifies me. Sometimes I almost wish He would have let me drink myself to death or OD on some drug. I realize how unworthy I am of all that He has done for me. I’m not talking about the promise of eternal life in the presence of the Holy God; it is the removal of my addictions for which I am not fit to receive. I am sure there are others who are much more deserving of the miracle that I received but yet I sit here alive and whole when, if justice had been done to me, I would be worm food.
So on this birthday/anniversary I want to give thanks God my Father and Christ my Savior for giving me a tangible example of salvation by taking my addictions from me and for how much God loves us even though we don’t deserve it. I feel that God has given me a message that he wants me to relate to everyone here. No matter how much you believe or don’t believe, no matter how much love or don’t love God, no matter what things you have done wrong in your life, no matter how undeserving you may feel you are, God loves you and He wants to give you the things you need the most. All you have to do is to believe and then live like you believe. It is hard to do this sometimes but once you feel the embrace of God’s love and that of His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, and guidance of the Holy Spirit you will want to try.